Elevator pitch for my story! If you saw this on the back of a book, would you read it? (1/4) 

Following in LJ's lead, here's the elevator pitch for my story!

"Sebastian is the Augur, coveted for his prophecies. Erika, the Empath, is his friend, his jailer, and his only way out.

Freshly rescued, Sebastian finds himself captured again. His new captors are a cult, seeking to use his prophecies, inscribed as wounds onto his back, to bring about a single-shared human consciousness. Sebastian,

Elevator pitch for my story! If you saw this on the back of a book, would you read it? (2/4) 

however, only wants to go back to his life before he became embroiled in the supernatural.

But his attempts to for freedom himself will only entangle him further: The Heart of the Monoculture is hungry for human minds to grow its ecology; the Scales of Maat craves unhappy hearts to sate its lust for justice; and, of course, there is Erika.

Erika is a cult mercenary---spying and killing, even as

Elevator pitch for my story! If you saw this on the back of a book, would you read it? (3/4) 

she feels every hurt she inflicts. But to Sebastian, she is kind. She makes him feel human when everyone else sees him as a prize. And while she could set him free, Erika has long since lost any hope for her own freedom, or even personhood.

To gain his freedom, Sebastian must convince her that she deserves her own. But in doing so, he may cause the very future he was trying to prevent--unless he

Elevator pitch for my story! If you saw this on the back of a book, would you read it? (4/4) 

comes to terms with his own destiny, as the Augur."

Any comments very appreciated! It's literally impossible to be nit-pickier than process of querying, so don't hesitate :P

Elevator pitch for my story! If you saw this on the back of a book, would you read it? (4/4) 

@nebulos lots of cool stuff here! Going to look at it on the computer rather than the phone so I can see it all together. Comments will follow when I've had the chance to let it marinate. :)

Elevator pitch for my story! If you saw this on the back of a book, would you read it? (4/4) 

@nebulos I tried to trim this down to its core, with all the caveats that this is based on a bunch of assumptions gleaned from the longer synopsis & might not be at all what you intend.

So, use what suits, discard what does not. FWIW, this sounds fascinating & I'd definitely pick up the book.

(cont)

Elevator pitch for my story! If you saw this on the back of a book, would you read it? (4/4) 

@nebulos

Sebastian is the Augur, coveted for his prophecies [inscribed as wounds onto his back]. Erika, a spy and killer controlled by the cult that has captured him, is (the Empath) [an empath], and feels every hurt she inflicts. But to Sebastian, she is kind. She makes him feel human when everyone else (sees) [fights to claim] him as a prize [in their political machinations].

(cont)

Elevator pitch for my story! If you saw this on the back of a book, would you read it? (4/4) 

@nebulos

And while she could (set him free) [release him], Erika has long since lost any hope for her own (freedom) [autonomy], or even personhood.

To gain his freedom, Sebastian must convince her that she deserves her own. But in doing so, he may cause the very future he is trying to prevent--unless he comes to terms with his own destiny, as the Augur.

( ) = omit
[ ] = add

(cont)

Elevator pitch for my story! If you saw this on the back of a book, would you read it? (4/4) 

@nebulos

I think the named entities are to be saved for a larger synopsis. Enough to know there are many factions looking to control him.

Hope this is helpful! I really love the main story conflict b/w the 2 MCs.

Elevator pitch for my story! If you saw this on the back of a book, would you read it? (4/4) 

@lj @lj Great suggestions! Thank you so much! I think they really match with my intuition that the first part is not as interesting or important, but I was really hesitant to cut them as I thought the exposition was necessary... I might try to finagle some mention of the weird super natural stuff bc I think it's part of the stuff that makes the book unique!

Elevator pitch for my story! If you saw this on the back of a book, would you read it? (4/4) 

@nebulos glad I could be helpful. And, obviously you know your story the best! I'm getting the vibe that while it's a secondary world fantasy, it's subversively about autonomy, identity, and personal power. Totally my jam!

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Elevator pitch for my story! If you saw this on the back of a book, would you read it? (4/4) 

@lj Again, really glad to hear it sounds interesting to you. Unfortunately I think I'm not quite the target market for your pitch (high concept sci-fi reader, despite being a character driven pseudo-sci-fi writer, for some reason) but I think some more specifics about the kind of struggle the characters will face would help be connect a little more. But also clearly I have problems with brevity lol.

· · SubwayTooter · 1 · 0 · 1

Elevator pitch for my story! If you saw this on the back of a book, would you read it? (4/4) 

@nebulos and not every book is for every reader. I totally recognize that.

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